They bring out the worst in each other by constantly inflaming their attachment system. The two opposing ways of approaching closeness that really inflame one another is the anxious-avoidant relationship. If you have different levels of comfort with closeness in your relationship, you probably have different attachment styles. If you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and you see closeness as a threat, then you have an avoidant attachment style.If you crave intimacy and closeness but you have a very sensitive radar that perceives a lot of threat in a relationship, you have an anxious attachment style.If you love to be close and intimate, but you don’t really see a lot of threat, then you’re secure.Attachment is about how close and intimate you want to be. There are three different attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure. How we detect a threat in a relationship is influenced by our attachment style. The anxious partner senses this distance as a threat, which activates their attachment system. When the avoidant partner senses a threat, such as their partner getting too close, they deactivate their attachment system and create distance. It’s a pattern that is being created between two people that make it this way.

The avoidant partner may think, “Oh, my partner is clingy,” but what they don’t understand is that it’s not their partner. These relationships have lots of fights due to a reinforcement of each other’s insecurities. The problem is that in an anxious-avoidant relationship, there tends to be a sense of “stable instability.” This doesn’t mean that partners in insecure relationships don’t love each other. It’s important to be in a secure relationship because insecure relationships are “a recipe for a lot of pain,” according to Dr. You can read Part I of the interview with Dr. Interview Guest: Amir Levine, M.D., is a psychiatrist, neuroscientist, and co-author of a popular book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love, which has been translated into 14 languages.

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